I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
