I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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