Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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