Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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