D3 body, D1 cock
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
