BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
