I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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