I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
