I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
