I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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