I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
