dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
