apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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