i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
