I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
