Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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