a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
