My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
