ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
40s are totally the cure
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
