In the future we'll all be gay
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
