what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
