When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
