? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
