The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
