Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
