I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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