3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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