Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
