The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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