Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
