...so i touched it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
