I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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