Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
