just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
