You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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