Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Still dying that you shit outside
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
