I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
