I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
