I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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