i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
