I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
