sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
