I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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