Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
