Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just sucked dick on a ferry
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
