Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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