I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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