K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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