it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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