Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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